P R E G N A N T ? !
by Ocaso
Summary: Between "A dog, a nymph and a werewolf" and "After he left", a story unfolds. My behind-the-scenes on Tonks and Remus during Book 7. R&R. Complete!
1. Marrying

_**Author's Note:**_ I was in the shower, washing my hair, when the thought came to me: why not make a story that spans from the end of "A dog, a nymph and a werewolf" to the beginning of "After he left"? Of course, with shampoo in my eyes, my grin faded quickly, but I recovered in time to write this story down. I hope you enjoy it. And, as always, I hope you flame or review!

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**Disclaimer:** Lost Harry Potter to J.K. in a bet. Sorry.

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**Marrying**

If Remus could have apparated inside the house, he would have, but he was forced to arrive a few feet away from his destination and walk the remaining distance. On a normal day it wouldn't have mattered, but today he was feeling impatient. As he entered the house, he understood the reason for his uneasiness: Tonks was nowhere to be seen.

Sure, they had been living together for little over a month, but he already knew her schedule by heart. Why wasn't she home? Where was she off to? What was she thinking, being out at this hour, knowing all the dangers this war presented? He didn't remember Tonks mentioning anything special–

An odd sound from the bathroom interrupted his thoughts. Why hadn't he noticed the suspiciously closed door? Stealthily, he moved towards it, extracting his wand from his clothes. He heard the sound again...

Upon slightly opening it, he saw Tonks sitting on the ground, hugging the toilet as another dry heave overpowered her. At once, Remus was by her side, rubbing circles on her back and touching her forehead. Then, his eyes registered the color of the water.  
"Red." – Tonks said dazedly. – "That can't be good…"

And she fainted.

Remus caught her body in his arms and, after a couple of agitated seconds and tricky movements, he managed to lift her off the floor. Running to the fire with his thoughts in disarray, it took him another couple of seconds to figure out how to use the Floo Network while carrying her. What had happened?

* * *

"Well, she might be pregnant." – Cesia offered.

Remus proceeded to make choking noises.  
"Pregnant?!"  
"Well, most people regard it as better news than being poisoned or cursed… And don't tell me you don't know who the father is."

Remus paled, but remained silent. She smirked.  
"But, if her illness is related to something darker, I'll need to move her to St. Mungo's." – The way the man stared at her made the Healer unsure he had heard her at all. – "So I advise you to go out, walk around, get your thoughts in order, and come back. I'll have the results ready by then."  
"I trust you with her life… Please…"  
"She'll live. I promise."

He nodded curtly and left the room.

* * *

Tonks was aware of movement in the room, but her curiosity was assuaged by her stupor…

She felt whatever it was moving again, but she couldn't place the sound and didn't feel like opening her eyes…

When it moved for a third time, Tonks' brain screamed _"Constant vigilance!"_ and she relented.

A tall person wearing brown was nervously pacing towards the opposite wall. Tonks cocked her head to the side, and her eyes widened when she saw Healer Onderdonk turn around.  
"Tonks! Good, I have been wanting to talk to you!"

If it weren't for the fact that Tonks was shivering in an unknown bed, in an unknown place, feeling as if her life hated her, she would probably have been as enthusiastic as Cesia. Instead, she felt her eyebrows contracting into a frown.  
"Is it the bloody shock-induced thing again?"  
"No, no. Um… This is… If I might… Personal, you know?"  
"Absolutely clear, now that you put it that way."  
"What I meant," – Cesia replied, rolling her eyes good-heartedly. – "Is that I have a couple of personal questions to ask you."  
"Why can't you diagnose me the usual way?"  
"Well, I didn't want to intrude…"  
"What do you mean?"  
"You'll know soon enough. Is it my turn to ask questions already?"

Tonks raised an eyebrow, but nodded all the same. This prompted the Healer to sit at the foot of the bed and start taking notes with an odd-looking quill.  
"How long have you felt unwell?"  
"I don't know… For a week? Maybe more? I just started feeling out of sorts and tired. Then the nausea started–"  
"What about your bathroom breaks?"  
"I generally go a lot." – Tonks said, clearly confused.  
"Right… And when did you start vomiting? Earlier today?"  
"Oh, then it's still today? Yes. I passed by a candle shop and the fake vanilla made me–"  
"Enough information, then!" – Cesia interrupted, with a cringe. – "Sorry, I just have never liked the nasty bits."  
"Neither have I. I mean, the way they scratch your throat when–"  
"The shivering might be due to the extensive vomiting…" – Cesia said, pretending to ignore her. – "And now it's time for one last question: when was your last period?"  
"It was…" – Tonks eyes widened. – "I'm pregnant?"  
"Are you sexually active?" – The Healer countered. – "It is extremely possible. However, I would like your permission for further testing."  
"You have it." – Tonks answered quietly.

* * *

Remus heard the women's voices as he reentered the room. In a heartbeat, he kneeled next to Tonks and took both her hands in his. Surprised by his actions, Tonks burst into tears.  
"Re – Remus–"  
"It's okay, there's no need to cry. I've thought it all over and–"  
"Remus, don't be rash. I just told her–"  
"Please, Cesia, I know this is the right thing to do! Tonks, do you love me?" – Tonks brought him close to her, unable to speak. Remus swallowed hard and continued. – "I'll take that as a yes… Look, I love you, too. I've always said I don't deserve you, but being with you makes me feel like the happiest man in the world… I'm poor, I'm old, I can't give you much, yet I ask the biggest thing of all."

Deftly, Remus took something out of his robes and placed it in her hand.  
"Marry me."

Cesia took that as her cue to leave the room. Tonks closed her fingers around the object and cried harder, as she pushed him away. Remus was at a loss.  
"Tonks?"

Didn't she want him in her life? What had he done wrong? …Besides the obvious, of course…  
"I – I'm – net – ant!"  
"What?" – Remus was suddenly worried about how much time Cesia and Tonks were spending together.  
"I'm – I'm not – pre – eh – eh – gnant…"

And she buried her face in her hands.

* * *

"She is very sick, of that I can assure you, but it'll take less than nine months to cure her." – Cesia said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Remus sighed: it had taken a calming draught to pacify Tonks, so the Healer took advantage of the momentary silence to inform him of the test results.  
"Then it is ague?"  
"Yes. You need to get some ashwinder eggs for her to eat, but she'll be fine."  
"And you're absolutely sure she isn't–"  
"She isn't."

Remus sat down and ran his hands through his hair. Cesia looked at him sadly: for once, it had seemed that he would have something to call his own; now, that hope was gone.  
"I can obliviate her for you, if you like."  
"No!" – He looked horrified at the idea. – "That's a choice for her to make…"

A soft whimper came from the room and Remus rushed inside. Maybe Remus had enough to call his own after all.

* * *

Tonks couldn't bring herself to look into his eyes as he entered. The potion made her feel more tranquil, but it didn't completely ease her pain: the way he had proposed might have been the least romantic in the world, but now it didn't matter, because he had taken the ring back when Cesia had forced the draught down Tonks' throat…

Remus sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. He was unsure of how to act, so he stared at the ground, until the right words found their way out of his lips.  
"I still love you."

She was silent.  
"_But not enough."_ – Tonks mind replied. – _"Not without a baby."_

As if reading her thoughts, he sighed sadly and repositioned himself to look at her.  
"I don't need a child to stay with you. Do you need one to marry me?"

* * *

It was private. It was quiet. Not even Harry knew. But, as they retired for the night, Remus and Tonks couldn't be happier. All the running-around-in-circles-part was over, because their exchange today was a promise that nothing would separate them ever again.

Sure, Tonks didn't receive an engagement ring, and of course their new possessions were a little shabby, and obviously, only a week since Remus had rushed with her to Cesia's had passed, but none of it mattered. They were childless, yes, but now, they were also husband and wife.

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_**Author's note:**_ So, what did you think? Sorry I gave Tonks malaria, but I did cure her before the end of the chapter. It's just that with all that shampoo stinging my eyes, I couldn't think of anything else. Wait, does that make any sense? Well, it doesn't matter: I already did my part. Now you do yours: flame or review! Cheers!


	2. Wailing

_**Author's Note:**_ First, I changed the rating to T by demand (probably should have been T to begin with). Secondly, sorry for making you wait. I updated as soon as another idea came up in my head, but I'm sure that my recent problem with shampoo might have slightly scrubbed my brain as well. Thus, I do not hold myself accountable on this week's delay. I hope you don't either… But, whatever you think please let me know: flame or review!

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**Disclaimer:** Simply _having_ a disclaimer kind of gets the idea across that I'm not claiming ownership to this, doesn't it?

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**Wailing**

If her life were a storybook, Nymphadora Tonks would have been extremely happy just a page ago. Consequently, the uncontrollable wailing might not have happened at all.

The facts were, however, that Moody was definitely dead, and that she was decidedly crying.

In her head, not five minutes had passed since they'd left Number 4, Privet Drive. Of course, with her history of time-dissociation, she knew better than to trust her internal clock. She could swear she had just stumbled off of her broom and into Lupin's arms, but she was aware that there had been a short lapse of time, during which everyone was filled in on the night's events, before Bill's thestral had landed…

Remus' face instantly changed from worried (or was it angry?) to tragic at the news, and Tonks felt her heart break as they all walked from the yard to the Burrow's living room. _Moody was dead…_ And she felt her insides whimper just one word–

_Why?_

Yes, Dumbledore was dead, but he had had a target on his back since long ago. Yes, Harry was basically born under Voldemort's attacks, but he had survived the dark wizard every single time. _So why did Moody have to die?_ What had he done other than–  
"–Mundungus disappeared?"

She held back a colorful array of curses after hearing Remus' question, focusing all her energy in trying to compress the handkerchief in her hand into a string. That bast–  
"–But Mundungus couldn't have betrayed us." – She faintly heard Bill say.

She didn't need to know his reasons for that assertion. Merlin, why should she, if she hadn't even been listening to him in the first place? All she needed to know was that Mundungus wasn't dead while Moody was…

_But why?_

Why did Dung deserve to live more than Moody did? He was a petty thief, nothing more, not a great Auror who had made "_Constant Vigilance!_" his life's motto, and keeping wands out of back pockets his crusade. He wasn't the man who had noticed she was worth the effort, who had put in the extra hours needed to improve her _Stealth and Tracking_ so she could become an Auror herself. He wasn't the incomparable mentor that had suggested her to Dumbledore as a valuable member of the Order of the Phoenix. He wasn't her teacher; he wasn't dead…

The burning sensation that the firewhisky left in its wake did nothing to reduce the prickling in her eyes, and her mind, which kept repeating that his death was stupid, didn't help. She couldn't avoid thinking like that. If this was indeed a book, whoever had penned when and how Alastor Moody's life would end was an idiot, and deserved to be– Why was Remus standing?!  
"Where are you going?"

Tonks noticed the urgency in her voice, but still wondered why it sounded like it had echoed. Then she saw Fleur anxiously looking at Bill and understood: they were going to search for the body. She could see their mouths moving (was Molly also speaking?), but couldn't hear a thing. Was this a new symptom? What else with her was wrong?

In a second, both men set out for their mission, and she felt completely abandoned. Why was Remus always going away? When would they come back? A wave of nervous nausea rushed up her throat, but she tried not to make things worse and controlled herself – it would not do to have her adding to their worries.

Harry, however, seemed to think differently: he was suddenly announcing he was leaving.

Tonks tried to make him stay with a _"Mad-Eye wouldn't want–"_, but he screamed her into silence. She noticed Molly continued attempting to calm him, but she went quiet because she knew it was pointless. If Harry wanted to go, they wouldn't be able to do anything about it, just like she couldn't do anything about Remus' parting…

And, surely enough, the Boy Who Lived walked out the door. She sighed and stared at the floor, wondering how many deaths would be enough. Didn't he see how much everyone wanted him alive? How much they were all willing to risk for him? She had no doubt the whole Order would die for him to survive.

_But no one had died for Moody…_

Tonks' tears, which hadn't lessened, slightly cooled her warm face. If she kept crying, she knew she'd get a terrible headache. However, it didn't matter to her. Dung might have thought Moody wasn't worth his life, but the barely late Auror was certainly worth her discomfort. He had helped her; she would mourn him. It was that simple.

When Harry came back in, he looked somewhat out of sorts, but no one commented on it. She desperately wanted to talk to him, to explain that she wasn't in this war because she hoped he'd save her – them – everyone. She was on his side because he merely deserved to live, just as Moody had been on her side just because he thought she deserved a chance…

The words died in her throat, though, and she kept her eyes trained on the floor, waiting patiently for Remus until her eyes started to run dry. She thought she would attain some serenity by the time Remus returned, but was forced to tug on her short hair to confirm that she wasn't ill and that it was still bright pink: her husband was back before she expected.

It took her a minute to shift from relief at his well-being to horror at the finality of the situation–

_They hadn't recovered Moody's body._

And, before Tonks could feel her silent crying restarting, she noticed she was openly, audibly wailing.

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_**Author's note:**_ On the topic of Tonks' illness, it's not the ague that plagued her in the last chapter what she fears, but what afflicted her in the sixth or seventh chapter of my story "A dog, a nymph and a werewolf" (_shameless plug, really…_). Since it is possible I will include small details from that fic in the next two chapters of this one, you might want to consider reading the whole thing anyway. Either way, I hope not to delay the next chapter much. Until then, flame or review! Cheers!


	3. Parting

_**Author's Note:**_ Well, Moody's death wasn't too fun to write, but remember that a war is raging. Here, chapter three (just one more to go!), where you'll experience a very long shouting match and some general sadness. Please, do cover your ears, and flame or review!

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**Disclaimer:** Stock prices went down, but I still can't afford buying it…

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**Parting**

Tonks had never been good at household spells, which most people assumed extended to her cooking abilities – a thought that got them _innovatively_ corrected. However, Tonks had stopped rectifying everyone the first time she had personally sampled Molly's meals: the matriarch's food was marvelous. Thus, she allowed (or suggested, she didn't really remember) Molly to send them small parcels daily, assuring Molly they didn't have much time on their hands to cook, and that she was worried Remus wouldn't be properly nourished. And by "small parcels", of course, Molly had understood "generous servings for a family of thirty-three".

Not that Tonks had minded.

So, munching distractedly on corned beef sandwiches made by Molly Weasley, Tonks and Remus sat at their table in silence. They were buried in their own dark thoughts, something that had become increasingly common after the attack at Bill's wedding.  
"You know," – She said suddenly with her mouth full, just for the sake of conversation. – "Charlie used to swallow four of these in under one minute."

He looked at her with curiosity.  
"I thought you met the Weasleys working for the Order."  
"No, I was in Charlie's year, remember? I'd see them at King's Cross. Molly would always hand some of these to him as a snack, but he'd down them the second the train moved out of the station." – She turned hers in her hands. – "Funny, I used to admire him for it, in awe of his legendary appetite. I mean, how could something like this excite other passions?"

Her chuckle died in her throat as she saw Remus' jaw tightening.  
"What did I say?" – She asked, blushing slightly.  
"_Other passions?_"

Guessing the cause of his displeasure, she smiled: was she making him jealous?  
"Oh, come on, I just went on Molly's cooking for hours! If anything, I'd married her and not her children."

He didn't laugh with her.  
"When were you going to tell me?"  
"Remus, this is – I'm not – I'm joking!"  
"Don't stall."  
"What is it, then? Are you mad because I didn't tell you I knew them?"  
"Him." – He corrected morosely.  
"It was such a long time ago that I didn't think it was important. Charlie was just a schoolmate–"  
"Was he?"  
"Remus! How could I prefer him? He had bad breath!"

That was definitely the wrong joke to say at definitely the wrong time to say it. His expression clouded as he stood up. She followed and walked around the table to hug him. He kept her at bay.  
"Does Cesia know?"  
"What? That Charlie will never marry, unless he courts a female dragon?"  
"What's wrong, Tonks? Can't give me a straight answer?"  
"No, if I don't know what the question is."  
"Don't pretend you don't. Whose idea was it? Yours or Cesia's?"  
"What does she have to do with Charlie?"  
"Oh, feeling possessive?" – He looked at her with disgust. – "You probably thought I wouldn't notice, that you would be able to conceal it from me. But _I'm_ not an idiot."  
"Nobody said you were!"  
"Then stop treating me like one!"  
"I'm not! _STOP IT!_"

He lowered his wand, and she was thankful for once of how much Moody had stressed learning Occlumency and of how much she had obeyed.  
"If you want to know what I'm thinking, just ask me, Remus! Don't try to pry into my head ever again!"  
"If you hadn't anything to hide, you wouldn't mind!'  
"What are you talking about?! I tell you everything!"  
"Like what?! Like what's on your mind right now?!"  
"There's nothing on my mind! Is everyone supposed to use their brains every second of the day?! Maybe that's why I'm so inept: because I don't! Mine is generally blank, so deal with it! And maybe now it's turned off, or it's singing to me or it's _wondering__ what the hell this is about!_"  
"IT'S ABOUT YOU, BEING PREGNANT!"

A ringing silence followed his words. Her eyes grew wide and she suddenly wanted very badly to sit down again.  
"_PREGNANT?!_ What? Didn't Cesia –"  
"– Lie to me?! Yes, but I didn't fall for it! The signs –"  
"– I'm not – It is ague!"  
"It isn't! You were treated!"  
"Not completely: I couldn't get enough ashwinder –"  
"– Yes, remind me how poor we are because of me!"  
"Remus!"  
"And while you're at it, tell me how your family hates me as well –"  
"– They don't! –"  
"– No need to keep my self-esteem anymore, eh? I mean, after you've –"  
"– I didn't sleep with Charlie!"  
"Werewolves don't breed, so I beg to differ!"

She aimed her wand at him, but he shouted "_Protego!_" before she could hex him into oblivion and back, _twice_. They stared at each other furiously.  
"Are you listening to yourself?! HE'S IN BLOODY ROMANIA!"  
"Figures you'd know where he is!"  
"You aren't making any sense! Have you gone mad?!"  
"So you agree with your parents on that one, then?!"  
"I've told you a million times, my dad was just joking! He thought _Moony_ was funny!"  
"Really? Having a deranged son-in-law is funny? I don't remember your mother laughing much!"  
"You went beet red! She was just trying to change the subject!"  
"Yes, to what the Ministry is up to lately!"  
"She is worried about the Werewolf Registry and its implications!"  
"That everyone will know you're related to one?!"

She groaned angrily: was he hallucinating? She didn't remember Molly putting magical mushrooms on anything. Ignoring her desire to bring the quarrel back into the realms of logical debate, she said the first thing on her mind.  
"No! Because of what they might do to _our_ child once it's born!"

She didn't know (or care, really) if she was pregnant or not, but her assertion made him stop arguing. She was about to try to reason with him when he was suddenly shouting again.  
"_WHAT?!_"

She couldn't understand what was wrong now. Hadn't he just been beside himself with rage thinking she was going to have someone else's baby? Then what was so wrong about them having one? But the way he was pulling his hair while pacing desperately, talking to himself in an angry voice, made her think it was more important to clarify everything than to worry about his feelings on parenthood.  
"Remus, listen –"  
"– What have you done?! Werewolves don't breed! –"  
"– First of all, _stop calling it breeding_! We're not animals!"

He ignored her.  
"It will be like me, I know it will be like me! – "  
"– Remus, stop this frenzy! You're nympholeptic! –"  
"– How could you?! –"  
"– I'm a metamorphmagus, not a bloody hydra! It's not like I can spawn beings on impulse alone! –"  
"– What have you done?! –"  
"Damn it, Remus! Enough! I'm not pregnant!"  
"DON'T LIE TO ME!"

His anger made him quick, and she felt the effects of his incantation before she noticed he had said anything. Yet it didn't matter: he had just proved she was, indeed, with child. Her brain drove itself to react as soon as possible to minimize the damage.  
"I'm only three weeks along, Remus. It must have been shortly after the wedding." – She whispered hurriedly, almost crying. – "I wasn't pregnant then, don't you see? And I wouldn't have noticed anyway until next week, would I?"

He looked at her unfocusedly.  
"Please, Remus, I swear I didn't know…" – She sniveled.  
"I'm going to find Harry."

She looked at him, taken aback.  
"_What?!_ What on Earth for?"  
"You're having a child. Think. He's at the Headquarters, but I'm sure he'll be off soon. If he were our son, you would –"  
"But he's an adult! He can take care of himself!"  
"He probably doesn't even know what he's up against!"  
"You are_ not _his keeper!"  
"No, you're right: Sirius is dead."

For a second, Tonks swore she couldn't breathe: this was way below a low blow from Remus.  
"You know why you are in the Order, but at least _I_ compromised to protect him."  
"Well, _I _am in this to keep Harry alive, but not to abandon you the first moment he gets a head cold."

His glare made her blush again, but she didn't regret her words: why did he always worry more about Harry than about her? And why was she the one that always ended up feeling jealous?  
"Our child is not even born! Hell, ten minutes ago, I didn't even know it existed! And you're just going to dump it for Harry?"  
"This is a bloody war and he is our best hope! Even Dumbledore said so! What part of that don't you understand?!"

Tonks sighed and gave in to her you-must-sit-down-now instinct, looking calmly at Remus. He had won.  
"It's not about us, but because of us you're going away. Yes, you're right, I don't understand any of it… But that doesn't matter, can't you see? I don't need to understand you. I love you, and that's enough for me…" – But it certainly didn't seem enough for him, and she sighed again. – "Look, enough running around in circles: we both know you're leaving."  
"I – I don't – I wasn't planning to –" – He replied weakly, shaken at her sudden submission.  
"Don't lie: you just said you wanted to go find him. Plus, it's not like you haven't run off before."

He was unable to answer or to look away. She continued.  
"I will stay at my parents' house, at least until I deliver it. That way Harry won't have to worry about our protection while you're guarding him. Also, tell him I asked you not to keep in touch, as it might be unsafe." – If she hadn't been trained by Moody, she might have wondered at the sudden indifference with which she was handling the situation. – "Finally, I want you to remember one thing: I do not want or need you to come back. Ever."  
"Does –" – Was his voice breaking? It was possible: he looked stricken. – "Does that mean –"  
"It means that you can't keep coming in and out of my life, Remus. In fact, I'd prefer you didn't even think about either of us existing if you can manage it, because so far, the only thing you've done is convince me you've just been pretending."  
"Tonks –"  
"– I'm serious. It's your choice: you can either stay away, come back and put up with us forever, or do the Killing Curse. I will not have it any other way…" – She sighed sadly and stood up. He, on the other hand, sagged into his chair in despair. – "Everyone has left or died on you, Remus, so you think that if for once you leave first, it will hurt less. But does it?"

And with that, she locked herself in their room. After a minute or so, she heard him gathering his things and closing the door.

That night, Tonks hugged herself as she lay alone on her bed: he had left without a word of parting.

And, although she wouldn't cry (because, honestly, it was pointless), she couldn't avoid feeling a pang in her heart. Not so long ago he had said he didn't need a child to love her. Why hadn't he just told her he didn't want one? His relief must have been great indeed when Cesia had diagnosed Tonks with a potentially fatal condition instead. And, now that she was expecting and nothing else could be diagnosed, he had left.

What would she tell her parents? What would they say?

But her grief not only made her dejected: it also made her drowsy. Thus, her plans for an angst-ridden night were replaced by a snore-filled one: she was soon asleep…

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_**Author's note:**_ Well, we all know he certainly won't be leaving her again, will he? Well, he will, but just once more, before it ends. (O.o Belated Spoiler Alert!) Anyway, just one chapter to go! Until then, please flame or review! Cheers!


	4. Pacing

_**Author's Note:**_ You might have noticed that the other chapters were slightly Tonks-centric. That's because I wanted to write the last one exclusively from Remus' point of view. Thus, I give you "Pregnant?! – Chapter 4", hoping that, after you read it, you give me a flame or review!

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**Disclaimer:** If I ask J.K. really nicely, do you think she'll give me the rights to HP?

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**Pacing**

Yes, he was aware he needed his heart to beat to stay alive, but was it really necessary to feel it pounding in his head? He thought briefly about squeezing his eyes shut against the pain, but discarded it when he noticed it only made it worse. Bile rose up his throat and he swallowed.

Why the hangover?

And then he remembered how he had tried to drown in eight bottles of Firewhisky the night before. Thankfully, he'd only gotten through the first three – his stomach would have been higher up his windpipe if he'd continued – but why had he gotten drunk in the first place?

Oh, right: because he was a coward. Harry had said so.

Remus groaned inwardly, angry at himself and angry at everything, as the scene replayed itself in his head. Mad at Tonks and at how she'd unceremoniously thrown him out, he'd been unable to hide his irritation when they had mentioned her name. Instead of finding compassion, he'd found contempt, and the ensuing fight ended with him harming Harry before slamming the door on the way out.

If his shame was any indication at the moment, he was sorry about it, really, but there was no way he could contact Harry to say so. They would have probably moved on already, in which case he might endanger them by revealing their position, or they would have found some way to shut him out, like Sirius had so many years ago, like Tonks was doing now…

Because she had finally pushed him away, there was no denying that. He had said he wanted to look for Harry, to give him some guidance so that the war could end, so that their child could grow up in a happier place.

_She had asked him to leave. _

His heart seemed to drum faster at the thought, and he felt nauseous again: she probably never really wanted him in her life anyway. Since the wedding, he'd been feeling increasingly guilty for linking her to his condition, and her pregnancy had heightened his remorse. She probably regretted all of it. If he could only make it up to her! If she could only let him try!

But he had tried so hard already… Even back then, when Bill and Fleur had arrived with the wretched news, he had tried. He had silenced their conversation about looking for Moody's body after seeing her reaction to his death, because he was afraid so many strong emotions in one day might hurt her or the child. Didn't she notice how much he cared?

Yet she had said she knew he had only been pretending. How could she say that?! He loved her! He loved her so much that he would die for her, that he was afraid he'd hurt himself, that he could swear he still sensed her right there next to him –

Wait, he _could actually_ still smell her. Where was he? Opening his eyes hazily, he noticed that he wasn't at their place, though the bed did have her scent and the room seemed familiar, and though to his left he had spotted a basin with blood-tainted water –

_BLOOD?! Where was he?! _

He stood up unsteadily, trying unsuccessfully to find her, thinking he had finally gone mad. He didn't remember anything, but he knew he had killed her, he was sure of it from the way his front was drenched in red although the skin underneath felt dry. Or maybe had hurt her, quite seriously at the very least. Was she now a lycanthrope, like him? Had she even survived? Every second that passed made him more hysterical, made his thoughts more erratic. Before long, he was ignoring his migraine, crying his heart out curled in a ball on the floor.

And then he heard movement.

Just as suddenly as his unbalanced sobbing had started, it was gone, replaced by a creepy alertness that his brain told him always came before discovering a tragedy. The same kind of _awareness of everything_ that he'd felt on October 31st so many years ago…

He moved towards the door, wanting and not wanting to see Tonks' body writhing on the floor in a pool of blood. Maybe he could still save her, maybe it wasn't too late –

But the door opened before he got to it, and in front of him stood Cesia.  
"F–"  
"Sorry, Remus, didn't mean to scare you."  
"–UCK!"  
"I take it you were expecting someone else?"  
"Tonks – I thought Tonks –"  
"Tonks isn't here. It's just us."

The hangover, the delusion of having murdered Tonks and the surprise of realizing he was at Cesia's place were too much for him to handle and, already on edge, the way she talked distressed him beyond words or, in any case, beyond complete sentences.  
"Us?"  
"It's just us." - She repeated softly.

Ignoring his look of confusion, she tried to force him carefully back into bed.  
"No! Cesia, please! Don't!"  
"It'll be alright."  
"Please!"  
"I already know how you like it. I promise I'll be good: it'll over before you know it."  
"_What?!_"  
"Just relax for a second, will you?"

Scared, he allowed her to settle him back on the duvet. Slowly, she started to peel the shirt off his chest and he grabbed her hands, panicking.  
"No, no! She'll never have me back!"  
"She will. It'll be fine. But let's get this over with. Merlin knows you need it."  
"_Need it?!_"  
"Don't tell me you didn't see the water?" – She asked, smiling.

Having absolutely no idea of what she meant by that though he felt like he should, he let his hands slacken. She looked at him for a moment and then took out her wand.  
"I think I better…" – She restrained him with a spell, frowning at the way his stare changed from nonplussed to terrified. – "Shhh… I won't hurt you…"

He closed his eyes, cursing: what the hell was going on? He tried in vain to wake up, trying to convince himself that this was a nightmare and that it'd soon be over, but some movements later he had to acknowledge he was conscious and that he'd been completely undressed, with the way he could feel a breeze in his – well, everywhere. Tears were now coming out of the corner of his eyelids, and he didn't know if it was because he was crying or because his eyes were shut so tight he could see stars.

He felt Cesia's weight lifting from the bed and then something warm and wet hesitantly brushing against his chest. His gasp of surprise made her chuckle and he knew something other than his brain was throbbing.  
"Is proper Remus having indecent thoughts?" – She asked, sounding thoroughly pleased.

He refused to give her an answer, but apparently she didn't need one to start moving down in circles towards his stomach. She then proceeded to his thighs, making coy advances towards his pelvis, and he bit back a grunt, feeling like everything melted away under her touch. It was relatively relaxing, slightly distracting, but he'd never admit to it. After some minutes under her ministrations, however, he started feeling frustrated that she still hadn't gone past demure strokes and unto bolder ones. What was she doing? How long would it last?  
"Just get it over with." – He told her callously.

She punched him.  
"OW! Damn it, Cesia!" – His eyes opened in anger, but that was soon substituted by a gaze of mortification: she, completely dressed, was applying Murtlap Essence to his wounds.  
"I know what you were thinking." – She said, and didn't seem to mind it much. – "We can try that_ later_. But as for right now, I'm just trying to see if I can send you back to Tonks without it looking like you and a thorn bush went out on a date."

Carefully, she gauzed up his body and turned him over, with definitely less gentleness, to take care of his back.

* * *

He paced outside the residence for a short while, unsure of what to do: knowing her, she might have instructed them to curse him on the spot. However, being outside in wartime wasn't very wise either, so he plucked up the courage to knock the door.

The person who opened it looked at him for a second, probably wondering at how the dressings made the werewolf look plump, before letting him in without hexing him. This surprised Remus, since the guide's face was devoid of emotion and since it didn't seem like the person was leading him into a trap. Remus was silently shown to a lamp-lit sitting room, where Tonks lay on a sofa with her eyes closed.

She looked slightly less pale than she had been, but otherwise her state wasn't showing, not that Remus had had any idea of what he had expected her to look like. Had it really been so long since he'd last seen her?

Stalling, he sighed.  
"Will you stay this time?" – She asked, without opening her eyes.  
"I never meant to leave in the first place." – He replied.

* * *

Lee's question made him frown in concentration. What _would_ he tell Harry if the boy was listening?  
"I'd tell him we're all with him in spirit… And I'd tell him to follow his instincts, which are good and nearly always right."

Because, in the end, they had sorted everything out and Tonks had happily gone back to living with him.

* * *

He'd asked them not to silence the room in case she wanted him with her, and they had agreed. Now he didn't know if it had been such a good idea after all, as it was impossible to stop pacing back and forth while hearing her moaning in pain.

Even worse, with every step something in him made him want to run again, to go before he was in too deep, to continue walking until he was out the door… But he wouldn't leave her again. He had stayed this long, because he loved her.

_He'd stay with her forever._

Yet thankfully, although for him (and probably for Tonks as well) her struggle had lasted a whole day, after less than an hour of whimpering and pushing he heard the child's first cry.  
"It's a boy, Remus! It's a normal, healthy boy!"

He had already known its gender, but found himself overwhelmed by ecstatic tears anyway. It was a boy, the baby was his boy, and it was healthy. The kid wasn't a cub, a newborn werewolf, it wasn't–

His wife's sudden shriek of surprise made him jump, and he ran into the room to find Tonks holding the child at arms length with wide eyes.  
"What's wrong?! What's wrong?!" – He yelled in panic.

Wordlessly, she turned the child around to face him: Ted Lupin's hair was slowly turning purple…

And before he knew it, Remus had left her again, one last time, running with all his strength, running with all his might to somewhere from where he could apparate away, with only one thought in his head: telling anyone and everyone that his child was not only healthy; like his mother, his boy wasn't only perfect, his boy wasn't commonly unique –

_His Teddy was a Metamorphmagus!_

* * *

_**Author's note:**_ Well, last chapter and last author's note. I really hope this ending was satisfying to those of you who were anxiously waiting to read it. In my personal case, I decided to write it this way because I haven't really found many fics about why Remus left, and even less about why he decided to come back. Plus, I think it's a new take on why he did both. Now, only one thing is missing: your flame or review! Cheers!


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